Juu, eipä ole tullut kirjoitettua. Sama syy kuin ennenkin.
"Jos ei ole mitään hyvää sanottavaa, on parempi olla hiljaa."
Niin monta vuotta mennyt eikä mikään ole muuttunut. Siis minun sisällä..? Ulkoisesti elämässä on tapahtunut kaikenlaista, hyviä mutta enemmän huonoja. Turha niitä luetella.
Odotan (reilun) viikon kuluttua olevaa hoitopalaveria, kuin kuuta nousevaa. Mutta valmiiksi olen jo pettynyt, kun ei niistä edellisistäkään ole ollut mitään hyötyä. Olen googlannut ja lukenut kaikki masennuksen, ja varsinkin lääkeresistentin-, uudet hoitomuodot. Niitä on, mutta
a) saako/pääseekö niihin
b) auttaako ne(kään), jos olosuhteet eivät muutu mitenkään.
Sitä odottaessa.
Saturday, December 9, 2017
Monday, December 24, 2012
Merry Xmas!
How I wish I had ATLEST one da in a year when I don't have to listen cursing and other foul wording.... But one can always wish - who said you you get what you want,,,
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Juletid
Yeap, merry xmas.
I feel that everyone else is cleaning and preparing for the holidays, I'm the only one who has no energy to sweep and dust... But I'll light some candles and turn of all electric ligths - everything and -where looks fine!
I will not spend holidays in closets or bookshelves, so why bother? I'd love to have a nice clean house atleast once a year, but I can't afford to any help so this it is.
No get-togehers, no one coming to visit. If this (mess..) is okay for me ehy should I stress???
I feel that everyone else is cleaning and preparing for the holidays, I'm the only one who has no energy to sweep and dust... But I'll light some candles and turn of all electric ligths - everything and -where looks fine!
I will not spend holidays in closets or bookshelves, so why bother? I'd love to have a nice clean house atleast once a year, but I can't afford to any help so this it is.
No get-togehers, no one coming to visit. If this (mess..) is okay for me ehy should I stress???
Sunday, May 6, 2012
yhdessä yksin - alone together
Suomeksi ensin - English version in the end
Kuinka yleistä tämä on: elät parisuhteessa, peräti naimisissa ja silti tuntuu, että olet niin #### yksin. Minun olkapää leikattiin pari viikkoa sitten.. nyt on kyllä on avun tarjoajia "kun sulla on toi käsi". No niin on, so what. Se apu mitä saan ei poista kuitenkaan kaikkea sitä työtä mitä kolmen hevosen omistajana maalla on. Viime perjantaina "pörräsin" omalla autolla ("nysä" Peugeot 206) pitkin Tampereen keskustaa ja parkkihalleja. Ei riittänyt yksi käsi: piti olla se "kaksikättä ja B&D"... Sen jäleen on sitten pari päivää eletty särkylääkkeillä ja icepackin avulla.
Mutta koska (ha-haaa) kukaan ymmärtää, että olkapään leikkaaminen ei paranna masennusta? Ai niin, eihän masennuksesta saa puhua: pelkää hel...tin lorvikatarria! Olkapäätä särkee, mutta se ei ole mitään sen rinnalla, että joka päivä mietti syitä miksi jaksaisi jatkaa tätä elämää? Kun kaikki "tein niin tai näin, seon väärinpäin".
Ja mikä oikeus tuolla toisella on käyttäytäytyätyä kuin aasi. Anteeksi kaikki aasit, sen on neanderthal... Missä sanotaan, että minun täytyy kuunnella tuota vittuiluilua? Minä en jaksa, onneksi minulla on toistaiseksi Hesassa huone (kokonaista 11 m2) minne paeta. Mutta menin vuokrasin sen pois kesä- & heinäkuuksi. Nyt taas vituttaa: olisi ollut tarpeeseen Se pakopaikka.
---------
How usual is this feeling of living together but alone. I need help, I need support but I've been on pension already ten years (who remembers? I don't) so "I can't be ill anymore" - why then I daily take a handful of medicines in the morning AND in the evening..? If I was ok, I'd not need any medication! And I changed (yes I - not my doctor = I had to ask for a spesific med --- I know I'm a difficult patient = I know too much of medication, alternative choices etc. Luckily my doctor only smiles when I star to talk "yes - I read about that, it was on list of possible meds..." I garher all information of new meds, and their side effects, so that I can say which med I accept and which I can try..."
Do not even dream of trying a placebo on me! I have even asked for ECT, but I am too "sane" to get it... but I am sane enough also to drop all meds and try only diet and TCM: he (the doctor) believes that I won't "get hooked" in anythig - he knows how sceptical I am...
But one BIG broblem is that whenever I visit this "med-doc" or my therapist: seeing a doctor makes me feel so good that I believe they don't understand how badly depressed I really am.
Sometimes even I think do I hide behind the diagnosis - but no. I wouldn't be writing this if I felt alright...
Kuinka yleistä tämä on: elät parisuhteessa, peräti naimisissa ja silti tuntuu, että olet niin #### yksin. Minun olkapää leikattiin pari viikkoa sitten.. nyt on kyllä on avun tarjoajia "kun sulla on toi käsi". No niin on, so what. Se apu mitä saan ei poista kuitenkaan kaikkea sitä työtä mitä kolmen hevosen omistajana maalla on. Viime perjantaina "pörräsin" omalla autolla ("nysä" Peugeot 206) pitkin Tampereen keskustaa ja parkkihalleja. Ei riittänyt yksi käsi: piti olla se "kaksikättä ja B&D"... Sen jäleen on sitten pari päivää eletty särkylääkkeillä ja icepackin avulla.
Mutta koska (ha-haaa) kukaan ymmärtää, että olkapään leikkaaminen ei paranna masennusta? Ai niin, eihän masennuksesta saa puhua: pelkää hel...tin lorvikatarria! Olkapäätä särkee, mutta se ei ole mitään sen rinnalla, että joka päivä mietti syitä miksi jaksaisi jatkaa tätä elämää? Kun kaikki "tein niin tai näin, seon väärinpäin".
Ja mikä oikeus tuolla toisella on käyttäytäytyätyä kuin aasi. Anteeksi kaikki aasit, sen on neanderthal... Missä sanotaan, että minun täytyy kuunnella tuota vittuiluilua? Minä en jaksa, onneksi minulla on toistaiseksi Hesassa huone (kokonaista 11 m2) minne paeta. Mutta menin vuokrasin sen pois kesä- & heinäkuuksi. Nyt taas vituttaa: olisi ollut tarpeeseen Se pakopaikka.
---------
How usual is this feeling of living together but alone. I need help, I need support but I've been on pension already ten years (who remembers? I don't) so "I can't be ill anymore" - why then I daily take a handful of medicines in the morning AND in the evening..? If I was ok, I'd not need any medication! And I changed (yes I - not my doctor = I had to ask for a spesific med --- I know I'm a difficult patient = I know too much of medication, alternative choices etc. Luckily my doctor only smiles when I star to talk "yes - I read about that, it was on list of possible meds..." I garher all information of new meds, and their side effects, so that I can say which med I accept and which I can try..."
Do not even dream of trying a placebo on me! I have even asked for ECT, but I am too "sane" to get it... but I am sane enough also to drop all meds and try only diet and TCM: he (the doctor) believes that I won't "get hooked" in anythig - he knows how sceptical I am...
But one BIG broblem is that whenever I visit this "med-doc" or my therapist: seeing a doctor makes me feel so good that I believe they don't understand how badly depressed I really am.
Sometimes even I think do I hide behind the diagnosis - but no. I wouldn't be writing this if I felt alright...
Friday, June 24, 2011
silence
I've been quiet long time: too tired, too depressed (almost miserable..) and too busy - to write anything.
Too much studying which doesn't interest (history of politics - why did I ever take it??), much work with something I DO enjoy - chinese language.
Three horses to take care of, lost our dear dog (she was already 14 years and 8 months old; german shepherd) a month ago. During winter she was already quite sick, after every two hours I got up and let her out. And 15 minutes later - again in.
But I miss her so much that it hurts... ;(
Today is Midsummer Eve. Most people celebrate it in various ways. For us (me & my husband) this is just like any other weekend. Weather forecast tells that it'll rain tomorrow, whole day & nigth: so no grilling steaks out on the yard. Blaah. Otherwise I don't really care of these Finnish "get drunk & stupid"-holidays...
This was only a update after the long silence. I try to start writing more often.
Be Happy!
What the heck does that Google Map show?? I am NOT there, maybe the server or more likely; the base station of our web connection is there.
Too much studying which doesn't interest (history of politics - why did I ever take it??), much work with something I DO enjoy - chinese language.
Three horses to take care of, lost our dear dog (she was already 14 years and 8 months old; german shepherd) a month ago. During winter she was already quite sick, after every two hours I got up and let her out. And 15 minutes later - again in.
But I miss her so much that it hurts... ;(
Today is Midsummer Eve. Most people celebrate it in various ways. For us (me & my husband) this is just like any other weekend. Weather forecast tells that it'll rain tomorrow, whole day & nigth: so no grilling steaks out on the yard. Blaah. Otherwise I don't really care of these Finnish "get drunk & stupid"-holidays...
This was only a update after the long silence. I try to start writing more often.
Be Happy!
What the heck does that Google Map show?? I am NOT there, maybe the server or more likely; the base station of our web connection is there.
Monday, September 20, 2010
ALMS blog 1
A new blog for ALMS course....
ALMS = Autonomous Learning Modules - ALMS; The keystones of autonomous learning are reflection and self-evaluation.
Tonight I enjoyed my almost only (at least nowadays) hobby: Chinese Ink Painting. It resembles almost a short retreat (working in silence), because everyone concentrates on their painting so hard that they do not have any time for blabbering... How I do enjoy that! Besides that actual painting, of course ;) Todays topic was "red-crowned cranes" 丹顶鹤, looks so easy to paint, but... Why it is always so tough to get the proportions right?
In the aspect of this English course the painting serves in one way: the teacher (Chinese who has lived in Finland already about 20 years) speakes "Finglish" - a mixture of Finnish (poor) and English (better). He'd prefer to teach in English (or Chinese..) but there is always somebody who wants instructions in Finnish. I started painting with him about five years ago and still the beak of a bird is called "ruoka" (=food). Almost every time someone corrects him: it's "nokka"... but he never learns, it is not important enough? Well, anyway, I don't care. I just relax.
It is already midnight and yet I haven't done my homework for tomorrow mornings Chinese lesson.. so.
'till the next time.
ALMS = Autonomous Learning Modules - ALMS; The keystones of autonomous learning are reflection and self-evaluation.
Tonight I enjoyed my almost only (at least nowadays) hobby: Chinese Ink Painting. It resembles almost a short retreat (working in silence), because everyone concentrates on their painting so hard that they do not have any time for blabbering... How I do enjoy that! Besides that actual painting, of course ;) Todays topic was "red-crowned cranes" 丹顶鹤, looks so easy to paint, but... Why it is always so tough to get the proportions right?
In the aspect of this English course the painting serves in one way: the teacher (Chinese who has lived in Finland already about 20 years) speakes "Finglish" - a mixture of Finnish (poor) and English (better). He'd prefer to teach in English (or Chinese..) but there is always somebody who wants instructions in Finnish. I started painting with him about five years ago and still the beak of a bird is called "ruoka" (=food). Almost every time someone corrects him: it's "nokka"... but he never learns, it is not important enough? Well, anyway, I don't care. I just relax.
It is already midnight and yet I haven't done my homework for tomorrow mornings Chinese lesson.. so.
'till the next time.
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